My first post was in March of 2013.
I had such high hopes and good intentions. As I read back through it tonight, it looked so well organized, so well thought out. I was going to do all these great things and help the perfectionists of the world.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Come on. How delusional am I?
Truth is, I've wanted to write again. I have. I think about it, then I go and do something else. Why? Because I couldn't figure out the right post. The right formula. The right solution that I deemed post worthy. But I was inspired tonight by a blog I stumbled upon: www.theveryworstmissionary.com. As a side note, go check it out. I really appreciate her honesty. Honesty is something I'm a big fan of..... except when it is about me and my "value" and how many people love me and how I'm not actually as bad as I think I am. Blah, blah, blah.
But I was inspired to write tonight. And guess what? I am still struggling on this journey. This journey of perfectionism. This journey of anxiety. This journey of depression. I have heard it said that an alcoholic is an alcoholic for life, they just learn to manage it, but it's always there. I think I believe this about perfectionism (at least today). I think it will always be there, and hopefully, I can learn to manage it. Or at least allow myself to believe in a lie long enough to take a breath. I have learned a few things. Better said, I have had some thoughts that sound pretty good every now and then and at other times seem like total bullshit.
Here's a sample of what I've "learned." 1) Who cares? Who really cares if I am perfect? Well, me. Anyone else? Nope. I just smile politely at these people and secretly feel superior to them, because I've got it all figured out. Perfectionism is where it's at. No it isn't. Who cares. Sometimes I am the champion of this idea and other times I curl up in the corner like a scared little kid. 2) These standards are my own and they are fantastic! They're also killing me. 3) I am not living as my true self as I continue to chase perfectionism. I am living the life of an impostor that will only tell you what I think you want to hear. 4) The worst four letter word is HELP. Yep, even dirtier than the F word and the C word combined. I hate that word. I also hate the idea of it. 5) Vulnerability is terrifying. I desperately want you to know me even as I want to hide from you forever. 6) Honesty and vulnerability is healing and helpful (ugh...that word) and when I operate in it with those I kind of trust (yes, "kind of". If you think I have mastered 100% trust yet you are NOT paying attention) it does wonders to lift huge weights of guilt, shame and pain off of my shoulders. So I am feeling vulnerable tonight, hence my writing. I'm going to leave you with a few honest thoughts. And let me tell you....I really don't want to, but I have to hope for a little hit of that "healing high." They are just quick honest statements. I'm not even going to bother explaining them. I'm just going to tell you.
- I have a deep fear of abandonment.
- The first thought that goes through my head within the first 10 seconds of me waking up in the morning is "you're worthless" (or some variation of this). Every morning.
- Even if you've known me for years, you've probably only scratched the surface of who I actually am. I have these beautiful walls set up to keep you out. (The exception to this is my wife. She has a tall ladder and can read my mail like a boss. Even though I do periodically try to hide from her too).
- I'm convinced I'm fucking up my kids everyday and they will resent me for it later.
- I love to curse.
- I believe Jesus loves me about 25% of the time. I actually care if He does about 50% of the time.
- Sometimes I'm scared music is a bigger god to me than God actually is.
- Sometimes I have "George Bailey" moments when I think my life has affected no one for the better.
- I think about therapy from time to time, but I think those people are probably full of shit.
- I really do love others. But it is buried deep, deep down under a lot of hurt, pain and anger.
- It matters to me what you think of me, but I don't want it to matter to me.
- I do not understand grace.
I end this post with no deep thoughts or resolve. Except that I hope to post again soon and I hope that if you're on this journey too, you keep walking.
Cheers to the chaos. Up yours.
- J. Woods
