Even if my heart turns black and blue...

I thought it fitting to post about depression following the tragic news of Robin Williams.  This news is not tragic because Robin Williams was a brilliant actor or an amazing comedian. This news is tragic because another human being arrived at a place where he believed death was his only "saving grace."  This is tragic when it is the story of the single mother who is struggling in the day to day, the pastor that just can't give anymore and the homeless man who can't face one more day alone. 

I don't have a lot to say about this that hasn't already been said across social media the last few days.  But I want to address two groups. 

1) The depressed.

Tell someone. 

Talk to someone.  

Tell someone safe that will listen and love you through this. People that love you do exist, even if you can't see it.  I understand what it feels like.  I promise.  I truly believe only those that have walked beneath the dark, oppressive cloud of depression can understand.  Not everyone will understand.  Not everyone can. Talk to someone who does.  Talk to me.  Talk to someone.   Also, let them love you.  Depression brings with it the weight of not only deep sadness, but guilt, shame and worthlessness.  Allow yourself to be loved. 

2) The person close to the depressed.  

Love them. 

Love them with all you have. 

They need you.  They might not return this love.  They are on one of the hardest roads they may ever walk. They might not want you to love them.  They might not want to tell you what they are feeling.  They are lost and ashamed.  Love them anyway.  Even when it hurts to love them.  It will hurt to love them. 

To both sets of people:  

Do not give up.  Love is the answer.  To everything.  

But love is not always wrapped up in a cute little box with a ribbon.  Love can be hard.  Love can be dirty. Love is always intentional.  

I leave you with this beautiful song by JJ Heller.  

Give love and be loved. 

- J. Woods

You are what you eat.

Identity.

I'm always looking for mine.

I have the type of personality that we'll call "all in."  We could also call it, "all or nothing,"  "this or that," "really annoying."  Here's a little glimpse for clarification.  Let's say that  I decide to like apples. I will go and buy some apples.  I will research all the different types of apples.  I will join a Facebook group called "Apples for Life."  I will shun all other fruit.  I will become "apple guy."

Why?

Because I am searching for an identity.

Now the apple example was a silly one (besides, everyone knows the mango is where it's at), but my mind does operate this way. Let's take running for example. In 2012, I ran the Fifth Third Riverbank 25k. (For those of you reading this who aren't from Grand Rapids, this race is a big deal around here).  So when I started training, I went all in. I got the gear, I got the training plans, bought the apps, signed up for other races along the way.  I was "running guy."

Let's take my music as another example.  This is where the "this or that" portion comes into play.  For years I have struggled  with writing and "performing" worship music or non-worship music.  Worship music in a church setting or non-worship in a bar / venue setting?  I have strong passions for both of these.  However, in my mind, I cannot allow both of them to coexist.  It has to be one or the other. Why?  Because what would my identity be if I decided to do both?  I wouldn't have one.  I'd just be a guy who writes different types of music.

I have recently done this in the arena of social justice.  I read a book called "Fast Living." This book is attached to an organization called Live 58.  The book focuses on putting an end to extreme global poverty. A noble cause.  I was all in.  I stopped buying Folgers coffee and started buying coffee from Toms Roasting Club. Yep, the shoe guy.  They also have a roasting club.  It is direct trade and each bag purchased helps supply water for someone in need.  My purchases are making a difference to change the world.  Again, a noble cause, to be sure.  But time for a heart check.  Why was I actually doing it?  So I could be "change the world guy."

So why this search for and obsession with identity?  As someone who grew up in the church and also calls himself a "follower of Christ," I'm told my identity is found in Jesus. In Christ.

I'm not there yet.

I'm still struggling with letting my guard down to let this "truth" in.

As I mentioned in my last post, vulnerability is not a pleasure cruise for a perfectionist.  For the perfectionist, "I can do it myself" and " I don't need you," are mantras. They are a battle cry.  In my own perfectionist mind, the words of  Matthew 28:11, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest," don't apply for me.

But God is working, patiently and faithfully (as He does) on my heart (and mind).  Some days I believe and other days I think life would be a lot easier if God didn't even exist.  He is working to break down the walls I have built to keep Him out and allow me to see the truths of the following scriptures.

Psalm 139:13, "For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb."

Romans 5:8, " But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Jeremiah 31:3, "I have loved you with an everlasting love...."  (God speaking through Jeremiah)

At this point in my journey I feel a battle being waged for my identity.  Will I keep striving to find my own identity in the things I do, or will I allow Christ's love to so penetrate my heart that I find rest in knowing that my only true identity is found in Jesus.  In His love, in His redemption, in His purposes.  Lately I find His pursuit of my heart is relentless.  It is important to note that all the scriptures above are Christ initiated. Christ pursues.  Christ redeems. Christ pours out His ridiculous, confusing, seemingly backwards, yet unconditional love.  We are asked to do nothing but rest in it. Find freedom in it. Find identity.

I think it's hilarious that I thought I was going to consistently write a blog.

Seriously.

My first post was in March of 2013.

I had such high hopes and good intentions. As I read back through it tonight, it looked so well organized, so well thought out.  I was going to do all these great things and help the perfectionists of the world.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Come on. How delusional am I?

Truth is, I've wanted to write again. I have. I think about it, then I go and do something else.  Why? Because I couldn't figure out the right post.  The right formula.  The right solution that I deemed post worthy. But I was inspired tonight by a blog I stumbled upon: www.theveryworstmissionary.com. As a side note, go check it out.  I really appreciate her  honesty.  Honesty is something I'm a big fan of..... except when it is about me and my "value" and how many people love me and how I'm not actually as bad as I think I am. Blah, blah, blah.

But I was inspired to write tonight.  And guess what?  I am still struggling on this journey. This journey of perfectionism. This journey of anxiety. This journey of depression. I have heard it said that an alcoholic is an alcoholic for life, they just learn to manage it, but it's always there.  I think I believe this about perfectionism (at least today). I think it will always be there, and hopefully, I can learn to manage it.  Or at least allow myself to believe in a lie long enough to take a breath.  I have learned a few things. Better said, I have had some thoughts that sound pretty good every now and then and at other times seem like total bullshit.

Here's a sample of what I've "learned."  1) Who cares?  Who really cares if I am perfect? Well, me.  Anyone else? Nope. I just smile politely at these people and secretly feel superior to them, because I've got it all figured out. Perfectionism is where it's at. No it isn't. Who cares. Sometimes I am the champion of this idea and other times I curl up in the corner like a scared little kid.  2) These standards are my own and they are fantastic! They're also killing me.  3) I am not living as my true self as I continue to chase perfectionism.  I am living the life of an impostor that will only tell you what I think you want to hear.  4)  The worst four letter word is HELP.  Yep, even dirtier than the F word and the C  word combined.  I hate that word. I also hate the idea of it. 5) Vulnerability is terrifying.  I desperately want you to know me even as I want to hide from you forever.  6)  Honesty and vulnerability is healing and helpful (ugh...that word) and when I operate in it with those I kind of trust (yes, "kind of". If you think I have mastered 100% trust yet you are NOT paying attention) it does wonders to lift huge weights of guilt, shame and pain off of my shoulders.  So I am feeling vulnerable tonight, hence my writing.  I'm going to leave you with a few honest thoughts. And let me tell you....I really don't want to, but I have to hope for a little hit of that "healing high."   They are just quick honest statements.  I'm not even going to bother explaining them. I'm just going to tell you.

• I have a deep fear of abandonment.
• The first thought that goes through my head within the first 10 seconds of me waking up in the morning is "you're worthless" (or some variation of this). Every morning. 
• Even if you've known me for years, you've probably only scratched the surface of who I actually am. I have these beautiful walls set up to keep you out.  (The exception to this is my wife. She has a tall ladder and can read my mail like a boss. Even though I do periodically try to hide from her too). 
• I'm convinced I'm fucking up my kids everyday and they will resent me for it later. 
• I love to curse. 
• I believe Jesus loves me about 25% of the time.  I actually care if He does about 50% of the time. 
• Sometimes I'm scared music is a bigger god to me than God actually is. 
• Sometimes I have "George Bailey" moments when I think my life has affected no one for the better. 
• I think about therapy from time to time, but I think those people are probably full of shit. 
• I really do love others. But it is buried deep, deep down under a lot of hurt, pain and anger. 
• It matters to me what you think of me, but I don't want it to matter to me. 
• I do not understand grace. 

I end this post with no deep thoughts or resolve. Except that I hope to post again soon and I hope that if you're on this journey too, you keep walking.

Cheers to the chaos.  Up yours. 

- J. Woods